


Temptation

by thranduils1



Series: Temptation [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Mild Smut, Priest Castiel (Supernatural), Priest Kink, Religious Conflict, Religious Guilt, Sex, Single Parents, Widowed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:02:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23887879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thranduils1/pseuds/thranduils1
Summary: Castiel has kept his vows as a priest to stay celibate, not diving into temptation. But ever since he moved to this small town, he had found himself continuously enamored with not only a woman but someone else’s wife. When the reader is left a widow, Castiel feels his desire entrench further now that he has a way in.
Relationships: Castiel x You, Castiel/Reader, Castiel/You, castiel x reader
Series: Temptation [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1721698
Comments: 19
Kudos: 69





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 10/22/18.

Castiel’s eyes drifted over her profile for what felt like the millionth time and his ache was not satiated.

The curve of her lips drew him in and he desired above all to be granted just a brush of a kiss from her. It would go against his righteousness but why would the Father above craft a heavenly creature such as this without purpose?

Or perhaps she was not sent from the Father.

It would explain the disappearance of her husband. A ploy to gain sympathy and a foothold within the church body. It didn’t matter how devout she seemed to be.

But when her tear stained face turned to him. Her red eyes from the crying and tired from the sorrow… he knew nothing about her was born from the depths of darkness. All of his fears over the past year of her being a temptress were laid to rest. She was lost. Simply. She was human just like the rest of them and looking for a friendly hand to grasp.

And he wanted far more than being friendly. And instead of prayer from freedom from his desire, in that moment he prayed she felt the same. To ease them both.

The shame was laid to waste underneath his newfound hope.


	2. Chapter 1

Castiel strode up to the freshly built cottage with purpose. Over the last couple of months, the house had been crafted to welcome the family coming to live in their village. Castiel was looking forward to his congregation growing.

He opened the front gate, closing it behind him. Before he could knock on the door, it swung open before him.

A man was standing there, smiling pleasantly.

“What a nice surprise, Father,” the man said. “Come in.”

Castiel recovered from the suddenness of the encounter and returned a smile.

“Thank you,” he said as he stepped over the threshold past the man into their home.

His eyes ran over the interior of the cottage. It was robust in its structure and being decorated into a home quickly. The lady of the house must have been hard at work. Soup was cooking on the stove, yet she was nowhere in sight.

Castiel cleared his throat, “I was just coming to welcome you to the village.”

“Much appreciated, Father. Everyone here has been so friendly. We really do appreciate it,” the man said.

Turning to him, Castiel gave him a sheepish grin, “I do apologize, but I have not been given your name yet.”

The man chuckled, “Oh, of course. I am sorry. Emmett Eaton.”

“It is nice to meet you, Emmett,” Castiel told him. “I am happy to hear that you are feeling welcome. It is a close-knit community, and everyone likes it to be that way. It keeps us safer and a support system is always a good thing to have.”

“Especially with a devout Priest to lead us,” Emmett told Castiel. Castiel cocked his head slightly and Emmett explained, “I have heard good praise about you, Father.”

Castiel gave a small chuckle, “Well, it is good to know that my flock speaks well of me even when I am not within ear shot.”

“You are well thought of.”

Nodding, Castiel responded, “Thank you.” His eyes traveled around the room again. “Well, I wanted to just introduce myself and let you know of the upcoming festival for saint – ”

The door flung open and two figures entered the cottage, one far smaller than the other. The smaller was quick, rushing into the cottage towards Emmett.

The small child stopped on a dime, her eyes widening at the stranger in her home. She took four steps back quickly and hid behind the woman that had closed the door behind her.

When the woman faced them, Castiel froze, his eyes locked on her. It was as if she had an aura of light around her. Her hair was windswept, her cheeks rosy from the cold, autumn air outside. But she was beautiful.

“Oh,” she stammered, shooting a look at Emmett before her eyes came back on Castiel. “Father. It’s a pleasure to have you in our home.”

He realized he was staring after a few moments and Castiel cleared his throat hastily.

“My apologies…,” she continued, brushing her hair back. “Clara does love to play tag. Don’t you, darling?”

The child – Clara, Castiel presumed – was quiet, her eyes fixated on Castiel. She was evaluating him no doubt, trying to decide if she could trust him or not.

The woman gave her a small nudge. “Well, do not be rude, Clara. Say hello.”

“Hello,” Clara squeaked.

“Hello,” Castiel responded, his eyes crinkled.

Clara returned a small, shy smile before hiding further behind Y/N’s skirts.

Castiel rose his eyes to meet the woman’s and said, “Well, I have been introduced to Emmett and Clara…” He trailed off.

She smiled wide, “Of course. Y/N.”

Y/N.

There was a stirring within Castiel’s chest at the sparkle in her eye.

After a few moments, Castiel cleared his throat again and stated, “Well, I have imposed enough. I just wanted to come meet you myself and welcome you to the village. And service is at 9:00am on Sunday. There is bible study on Friday evenings at the Charles’. They are gracious hosts and Mrs. Charles makes a wonderful treat each time to share. And of course, confession is whenever needed or desired.”

“Thank you for taking the time to welcome us,” Emmett told him.

“It was a pleasure,” Castiel responded, his eyes locking with Y/N’s. She stared back at him and he said, his voice sounding far from his body, “May God bless you all. I hope to see you in church on Sunday.”

“Of course, Father,” Emmett stated, his arm slipping around Y/N’s shoulders, giving Castiel a wide smile.

Castiel’s stomach twisted at the sudden onslaught of desire he felt for it to be his arm around her shoulders. With a dip of his head, he let Emmett lead him out of the cottage. He imagined Y/N’s eyes were on him.

<> <> <>

She had done nothing wrong. Nothing sinful. She had simply existed before him.

And had threatened all of his purity.

Who was to blame?

Himself. Of course.

She had done nothing wrong. The fault laid at his feet. He was falling short of his vows to celibacy and the purity of his heart.

Every time he had seen her since that first time, he felt the burning in his chest. He hid his distraction well delivering services and blessings. But she was always at the back of his mind. The thought of her ate away at him. She looked at him with such admiration as he spoke the word of the Lord, hanging on his every syllable. She was devout at bible study, proposing questions and indulging in the study.

Castiel drew a cross before him, beginning his prayer, “Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.”

He paused, exhaling deeply, eyes closed.

“I have sinned. I have no one to confess to, my Lord. So I profess myself unto you. I have felt lust… desire… nothing which I have felt for a long while. It is… on the brink of adultery. I ask you to cleanse me of this, Lord. Cleanse me of this impurity and this temptation. I have given myself to you, Lord, and I desire nothing more than to be devout to you. Help me stay on my path.”

Castiel’s eyes opened, blinking slowly.

He could not let his resolve falter like this. Not after being as devout as he had been for so long. He could not let one person – one woman – come between himself and his faith to the Lord above.


	3. Chapter 2

Castiel walked into the baker’s kitchen where women in the town were wrapping up loaves of bread to send out to the migrants on the outskirts of town. His eyes landed on Y/N immediately, flour coating her dress and traces of it still on her cheeks. The corners of his lips twitched, cheerfulness flowing through him at seeing her as it always did.

He greeted the women as he passed, thanking them for their devotion to the poor, especially so near Christmas, his end goal being her.

“Oh, Father!” Y/N exclaimed when he came near, and he stopped, raising his eyebrows in surprise.

She turned away from him for a moment before turning back around with a wrapped bundle. Her smile was wide as she held it out to him. “I was hoping you were going to stop by today.”

Castiel took it from her and thanked her.

“Clara made it.”

Castiel opened up the bundle and found a slab of sanded wood. He peered closer and saw a childish painting of the chapel. And a small figure next to it clad in black, with a wide line of a mouth turned up into a smile.

Chuckling, he met her eyes, finding them sparkling. “I find it hard to believe a child loves service so much that they would do this.”

Y/N returned his small laugh. “Well, she definitely does not enjoy sitting still for so long. But she does enjoy class and she has friends there. She said it is because of you that that is possible.”

A warmth was spreading through Castiel’s chest.

“That is very encouraging to hear indeed, Mrs. Eaton.”

Uttering the title made his heart ache every time and he damned the feeling simultaneously.

“I will be sure to thank her the next time I see her,” he assured her.

“I am sure she would be delighted,” Y/N responded, her eyes crinkled with her smile.

Castiel wrapped it back up and said, “It will look nice in my quarters. A reminder of why I do what I do.”

“We are thankful for you, Father.”

How he wished she would call him by his actual name.

Forcing a smile, Castiel stated, “I appreciate that. It is a blessing to have a devoted and appreciative flock. Especially ones that work so tirelessly for others like this. I will leave you to it, Y/N.”

“Of course,” Y/N stated. “Have a good day.”

Castiel thanked her once more before moving on through the kitchen to oversee the work others were doing. He held the package close to his chest, ever grateful.

<> <> <>

Castiel’s eyes fluttered open, hearing movement in the room. Their room was dressed in rich colors, something Y/N had wanted. Castiel could never deny her anything if he could help it. He moved his eyes from deep green of their comforter to her eyes.

Y/N had come in with a warm piece of bread and butter, holding it out to him. Her dress laid over her curves softly and he instantly thought of cradling her close, skin against skin. He looked forward to the nights, so they could be together, basked in moonlight and passion. Last night had been no different.

Pushing himself up to a sitting position, Castiel took it from her gratefully. “Thank you, my love.”

Y/N sat on the bed next to him, smiling warmly at him as he took a bite. He let out a satisfied noise, swallowing the bread happily before taking another bite. She always rose early – despite his protests to sleep in – to prepare breakfast for them all.

“It is delicious as always.”

“You compliment me too much.”

“Can a man compliment his wife too much? Is that a thing?”

“I believe you have made it a thing, Castiel. One might think you were about to be found out for something you had done, and you were trying to butter me up constantly to avoid strict punishment.”

Castiel laughed before taking another bite and swallowed.

“I will never stop complimenting you.”

“And I never wish you to.”

Their eyes met, and she leaned in, giving him a small kiss.

Castiel’s voice was soft when he asked, “You are not going anywhere tonight? No charity or woman’s meeting?”

Y/N shook her head. “I am all yours.”

“As I am yours.”

Y/N smiled at him, leaning in for a kiss once more. Castiel placed the plate down on the bedside table. He cherished the kiss, his lips sliding across hers and pulling her in deep.

“Yuck!” a small voice piped up.

Castiel pulled away immediately and saw Clara standing in the doorway. Castiel and Y/N exchanged a knowing glance and pulled away from each other further.

Y/N let out a small laugh, “Oh, Clara. One day, you will grow up and found a husband of your own.”

“No, I won’t!” Clara protested. “Boys are yucky.”

“You won’t think that always.”

“Yes, I will!”

“If you insist, darling,” Y/N replied, standing up and straightening her gown out. “Would you like to have breakfast at the table?”

Clara exchanged a look between them and asked, “Are you two coming?”

“Of course,” Y/N responded before walking past her and moving out of the room towards the kitchen.

Castiel took another bite of his food, chewing slowly.

“Father.”

Castiel turned his eyes towards Clara. “I’ll be along soon, sweetheart. Just need to get the motivation to get up and get dressed before joining you.”

“Father,” Clara said, looking up at him, her brow furrowed.

“Yes?”

“Father?”

It was Castiel’s turn to crease his brow in confusion. “What is it, Clara?” She looked perturbed and worry began blossoming in his chest.

“Father!” the demand was a shout this time.

Castiel jerked awake.

Jack, one of the altar boys, was near his bed, startled by Castiel shooting up in bed. Castiel wiped at his eyes, trying to clear his vision.

Clearing his throat, he demanded his voice cracking from slumber, “What is it?”

The boy stammered, “I-I am sorry to wake you in the middle of the night, Father. But, you are needed. Immediately.”

Sighing loudly, the remnants of the dream still fresh in his mind, Castiel sat up. How he wished he could have lived in that dream for just a little while longer. He wiped at his face again and exhaled tiredly, “For?”

Jack’s face was ashen when he said, “Emmett Eaton is dead.”


	4. Chapter 3

Castiel stepped down from the podium, tearing his eyes away from Y/N. He had tried his best to keep his eyes off of her during the service but had failed at the end. Despite her tears, all that came to mind was his dream. It had been only a day since he had woken from a dream of them together, and it was still fresh in his mind. Her warm skin against his as she handed him the piece of bread…

It had not been the first one. Hardly.

Temptress. Unbeknownst to her what she was doing to him.

He had been solemn during his delivery of words of comfort, assuring them all – especially her – that Emmett was being watched and cared for by the Lord.

Natural causes the doctor had determined. His heart had simply stopped, and he had collapsed to the floor. The neighbors heard Y/N’s screams and sobs. It took two men to tear her from Emmett’s body. Castiel had not been the one to do it but he had come in and seen her in the corner sobbing. They had moved Emmett’s body by that point to lay more naturally on their bed. His heart had lurched for her, wishing to bring her into his arms, and whisper comfort into her ear. She looked so small and lost. She still did. The ache was not gone to hold her, merely intensified now that she was alone.

She had not left his thoughts all day. He was trying to write it off to his duties to keep her in his thoughts and prayers. But they were not pure thoughts.

Temptress.

No. It was unfair to associate that word with her.

The women escorted Y/N away from the front pews towards the adjacent room. Castiel’s eyes had found her again and they followed her, staring at her back. Her hand was holding Clara’s tightly, keeping her close.

He would save them both.

<> <> <>

Against his better judgment, Castiel found himself alone with Y/N in her cabin. It had been a few days and she had not been coming outside much. Clara, young and oblivious to the fact her father was not coming back, had no problem going outside to play with the other children. Y/N was bearing this grief alone despite the string of visitors bringing her flowers, gifts, and food. It was hollow comfort and Castiel knew it.

She was sitting across the table from him, shaking her head before asking hoarsely, “What am I going to do, Father? I have barely anything. We put almost everything into moving here. We have some saved up. But that is going to run out.”

“Mrs. Eaton…”

She pressed on as if he had not spoken. “I need to care for Clara. I need something. Father, what should I do?”

His mind immediately went to thinking of offering her shelter.

Castiel swallowed sharply. His skin was burning of thinking of her living in such close quarters.

That was not for now. Not yet.

Instead of an offer, he inquired, “If you do not mind me asking… how much do you have?”

“Five… maybe six months saved up,” Y/N responded, before her eyes brimmed with tears again. “But, it wouldn’t be smart to stay here for that long and then have nothing to move with. And then food…”

The time would come soon. Sooner than later. And she made a good point. She needed that money to move. Not that he wanted her to move. But if he gave her shelter, and she became comfortable, maybe she would not need to leave.

“Maybe you could… move into my quarters. If it came down to that.”

Y/N met his eyes and a sob caught in her throat.

She quickly wiped at her eyes and shook her head. Castiel felt his heart drop at her refusal.

“I would not impose ourselves upon you, Father. You do not need a widow and a young child disrupting your life and your time to guide and lead us.”

So, it was not him she was rejecting, which made him relax. It was the idea of inconveniencing another human for herself that held her back from accepting his offer. He would do everything within his power to let her know that nothing she could do would be an inconvenience for him.

Castiel reached across the table, grasping her hand and she looked at him in somewhat shock. He held tight though, hoping she felt it was God’s conviction grasping her now.

“I have space. You are in need. It is what God calls us to do. Open our doors to those in need. You are in need, Mrs. Eaton. And so is your daughter. You are more than welcome in my quarters. It is not private entirely but there is a room I could have made for you. You are not forsaken.”

Y/N swallowed sharply, staring down at the table. Castiel could not read her expression.

“I would be in your debt –“

“No,” Castiel interrupted and she shot him a look. “Like I said, you have done a lot for the community in the short amount of time you and your husband have lived here. And I do not believe you would stop devoting yourself to bettering the community. It is not a debt, Mrs. Eaton. It is a thank you.”

A couple tears escaped, and Y/N let out a shuddering breath, closing her eyes tight. She squeezed his hand tightly before retracting. Castiel’s hand was cold, wishing for the warmth of her again.

And he knew it was time for him to go before he reached for more.

Standing up from the table, Castiel clasped his hands. “If you need anything in the meantime, please do not hesitate to ask. You are not alone, Mrs. Eaton.”

Y/N stood to meet him and gave him a somber nod. Castiel felt a shift in the air though and he barely had time to register her break down before she all but collapsed against his chest.

“Father, what did I do to deserve this?”

It was unorthodox, but he did not push her away.

Castiel’s arms shook slightly as he reached up to grasp her lightly. His heart was hammering as he let her tears soak into his shirt. This is what the Lord had wanted. That is what he convinced himself of. All those months of desire, the Lord had been preparing him for this. The Lord knew that Emmett was to face an early death and wanted her to be protected. Castiel was the perfect person to take up the task fore he already cared for her. And with his position, he had room to take her and her child in. He could protect them… provide for them. The Lord was working through him.

But why did something farther down in his conscience tell him it would be far harder to convince everyone else that this was the path he was supposed to take?

The burning in his chest at her close proximity and desire should have been warning enough.

“You did nothing to deserve this. Life is unfair sometimes. The Lord giveth and he taketh. This is a test, Y/N. You are strong. I have seen that. And I have faith you will get through it. You are kind, you are generous, and you are willful. You will prevail. I will assist you as much as you need.”

“You are a blessing to us, Father.”

He wished to not only be a blessing but her everything.


	5. Chapter 4

Castiel stood outside the door, watching Y/N and Clara get settled. The room was the size of their front room in their cabin, their dresser, bed, and small table the only furniture in the room. Castiel wished he could have offered more; she deserved it.

Y/N placed their suitcases down and ran her eyes around the room. Clara was clutching her doll to her chest, looking around the room as well. Her eyes fell on Castiel and he gave her a comforting smile. She smiled bashfully before turning her eyes down.

“It’s good,” Y/N told Castiel, not facing him still.

“You’re humble.”

Y/N smiled softly, meeting his eyes briefly, and said, “It is not the same as home. But it is good.”

Castiel sighed softly at her modesty. He knew it was a change for her, giving up her home so soon after her husband had passed. She had come here for a new life and everything had been taken from her. Her meekness in the shadow of life’s unfairness was impressive.

He told her honestly, “Honesty is a virtue, Mrs. Eaton.”

Y/N met his eyes fully now, locking gazes with him. He saw the struggle in her smile, trying to be appreciative of his compliment.

Clara piped up, “Are we going to be able to go home?”

Castiel downcast his eyes with effort, wanting to give Y/N some sort of privacy. Maybe Y/N had not spoken with Clara about this, which Castiel would not think would have been smart. But his doubts were squashed when she spoke.

“We have talked about this, darling,” Y/N said, bending down and grasping Clara’s hands Castiel saw out of his peripheral. “We are going to be staying here for awhile and we will find another place to live.”

Castiel felt a lump in his throat at the thought. They had only just moved in.

Clara protested, “But for how long?”

“Depends, sweetheart. Mommy will have to save up money.”

Castiel snuck a look at them in just in time to see Clara’s shoulders slump a little and Y/N’s face fall ever so slightly. He wished he could ease the burden.

“I will do my best for you,” Y/N promised Clara.

Clara snuck a look at Castiel and asked, “Father Castiel. Are there toys here?”

Castiel cleared his throat and said, “Besides the ones you have brought with you?” Clara nodded and Castiel answered, “No, child.” Her face fell, and he quickly added, “Although, I am sure we would be able to find new ones for you here. It is your home after all. And what is a home for a child without toys?”

Clara smiled at his response.

He continued, “We will try to keep you as comfortable as possible here, Clara. I know it is not the same as your home, but we will try to make you happy. Is that alright?”

Clara shot a look at Y/N and then back at Castiel. She nodded and Castiel said, “I am glad.”

<> <> <>

It did not take long for the wolves to circle in around Y/N. Castiel had been anticipating as much; Y/N was an eligible widow still, pretty in the face and young enough to bear children for a good amount of years still.

The suspect he had presumed was the first. Castiel prided himself on predicting human behavior and he was right after all. Jonathan, a man who had been widowed for a fair amount of years, was ready to come in at Y/N, seeing the opportunity. Castiel had to stifle his annoyance at the advancement, knowing full well the allure Y/N held. And what man, who was not bound by biblical law, would not want to find peace and comfort with another eligible wife after losing their own?

Still, it stung to see him draw smiles out of her. It should be him doing that, flirting and engaging with her. If only things were different.

Castiel’s eyes followed Jonathan as he yet again approached Y/N in the market. Moving closer, Castel meant to keep an eye on her even though they were not out together.

He stood nearby, within earshot of their conversation.

Jonathan’s smile was wide and welcoming as he greeted, “I hope you are doing well, Mrs. Eaton.”

Y/N brushed a piece of hair behind her ear and answered, “As well as I can be. Thank you for asking.” She adjusted the basket on her arm that was carrying groceries.

“May I?” Jonathan offered, holding out his hand for her basket.

Stammering, Y/N told him, “O-o-oh… of course.” She held out the basket to him, not wanting him to feel ashamed for offering to help her.

Jonathan took the basket eagerly and began following her through the market as she continued browsing. Castiel followed slowly, staying inconspicuous.

“I do not mean to be intrusive, but I heard you had an offer on your house.”

Y/N swallowed sharply and Castiel had the sudden urge to slap Jonathan upside the head. He immediately felt shame for this thought of violence, but this question was personal to Y/N. And Jonathan hardly had the ground to ask without coming off as crass.

She recovered quickly – and Castiel admired her poise once more – and nodded, with a forced smile. “Yes. A family. They are willing to pay a pretty penny to come out here.”

“Oh?”

“I was quite pleased to hear of an offer so gracious and generous so quickly,” Y/N pressed on. “I think that they are a good family for the community. From what they have told me about themselves.”

“Can you trust them?”

“They have recommendations from their current landlord and sheriff of their current estate. Certified and signed.”

Jonathan smiled, “Well, then I suppose we will have to take their word.”

Y/N nodded and added some fruit to her basket.

They continued shopping, chit chatting. Castiel followed, listening to Jonathan lay a foundation of a relationship between them. It was flimsy, but it was something. And Y/N was responding kindly, and the fact he could not tell if she was serious made him stress. He did not want Y/N to go with Jonathan… to be with Jonathan.

He almost felt relief when Y/N announced she was done and Jonathan escorted her to the cashier. After she checked out, Jonathan stopped her, staring directly into her eyes.

“If you need anything, do not hesitate to ask. There is no shame in grief, Mrs. Eaton.”

Y/N looked up at him and told him sincerely, “Your warmth and friendliness is much appreciated, Mr. Durgan. You and the people here have helped Clara and I so much. I do not think we would have survived without this community.”

Jonathan leaned in and she exhaled softly. Castiel’s breath caught in his chest at their proximity.

“We would do anything for one of our own, Mrs. Eaton. Especially someone as godly and kind as you.”

Castiel did not know how to handle this. If someone was moving in on her this quickly, she could be gone without even any time spent with her.


	6. Chapter 5

Castiel sat on a bench near the lake, his Bible open but he was not reading. He was watching the water, tranquil in the moment. The summer breeze was cool against his skin, blowing gently across the surface of the lake.

The moment was disturbed when he heard footsteps coming up the gravel path behind him.

He turned his head, to gaze over his shoulder and his chest tightened, seeing Jonathan coming towards him. The man hesitated for a moment when he locked eyes with Castiel before swallowing sharply and coming closer.

“I hope I am not interrupting you, Father.”

Closing his Bible, Castiel placed it on the bench next to him and replied, “No. I was not reading. Just enjoying the weather.”

Jonathan nodded and said, “Good.” There was a pause before he asked uncomfortably, “May… may I ask your council?”

Clearing his throat, Castiel scooted over and invited Jonathan to sit next to him, even if it was the last thing he wanted to do. He immediately felt a pang of shame; he should not let his personal feelings get in the way of someone seeking answers from the Lord.

Jonathan sat down stiffly next to Castiel and was quiet.

“What are your sins, my son?” Castiel prompted.

“I have been… distracted.”

That is a word for it, Castiel thought to himself.

“I feel… guilt,” Jonathan confessed. “For having thoughts of another woman.” It took everything in Castiel to not move his lips into a thin line in annoyance. “It has been a year, I know, since my darling Beth passed. I know she would want me to have happiness.” Jonathan exhaled sharply, rubbing his face. He was quiet when he added, “I still feel guilt though. Especially since this woman is far younger than I am. I would not want it to look like an insult to Beth’s memory.”

Castiel forced himself to not turn his head and stare incredulously at Jonathan. Instead, he inquired with an even voice although his heart was pounding loudly in his chest, “Do you think it wise to approach her so soon then?”

Jonathan looked at him and asked, “Has it been that obvious?” Castiel said nothing which was an answer enough. Sighing, Jonathan continued, “She should not be alone for long, Father. Women are different than men.”

Castiel was choosing his next words carefully, trying to frame it in a Godly light. He could not let it slip of his deeper than appropriate emotions for Y/N.

“Perhaps what she needs is time spent with God to heal. You said it yourself, she is younger than you. It does not mean she would not take it as hard as you did when your spouse went to join the Lord above,” Castiel explained. “But maturity would influence the grieving and healing. Do you not believe it best that she wait for His guidance to decide which direction to go in?”

Jonathan was quiet, taking in what Castiel said.

“The Lord will lead her in the direction she ought to go. Your guilt is a sign, my son. Do not underestimate the grace of God.”

Jonathan paled, “I would never, Father.”

Good. He was worried about his image in the face of God and that is what needed to be.

Castiel said, “Then my council is to wait.”

Jonathan did not look entirely pleased with this advice, but he said nothing, instead nodding.

“Thank you, Father. You have made a good point and it is a holy one indeed.”

<> <> <>

Castiel sat at his desk, his eyes scanning the book of Job. He felt drawn to this particular book of the Bible as of late, wondering if he would be punished severely for his immoral thoughts. No matter how much he asked for forgiveness, the urge and desire to hold Y/N close never left, never subsided.

He wondered if this was his punishment for a sin. He was to live in turmoil, shaken with lust and be left to grieve and worry for his eternal damnation for such thoughts. He would hold strong through this.

A small bump in the room broke his attention and his gaze flicked around the room. It was near dusk, the room lit by a series of candles, the light dancing on the walls.

Movement near the door drew his gaze and he relaxed, seeing Clara. She was looking at him timidly, clutching a piece of paper.

Castiel sat up straighter in his chair and questioned, “What is it, child?”

She took a few more steps into the room, and said, “I drew something.”

A small smile tugged at the corner of Castiel’s mouth. Clara had an affinity for drawing anything and everything. A few of the women in the town had donated sticks of chalk and even generously a modest sized vial of paint. Y/N had accepted these graciously, thanking them profusely. Castiel had been impressed on how Clara had composed herself, not rushing to take the items, but waiting until her mother instructed her to thank the ladies for them.

“May I see it?”

Clara warmed at the invitation and came up to his desk. She held it up and said, “It’s for mommy. Do you think she will like it?”

A lump formed in Castiel’s throat.

There were tall, misshapen flowers, and a house.

His house.

She had drawn a picture of Castiel, her mom, and herself.

What was the Lord doing?

He had hesitated too long; he saw Clara’s smile falter and begin to lower the drawing.

Shaking the shock, Castiel quickly said, “It is a lovely drawing, Clara. You have talent.”

The smile was back and she held the drawing close to her chest.

Clearing his throat, Castiel said, “Where is your mother?”

“Outside, helping Miss Jude with organizing the jars in the pantry.”

“You should lay it on her pillow before she returns as a surprise.”

Clara nodded excitedly and turned, leaving the room quickly.

Exhaling sharply, Castiel wiped his face. The child had gotten under his skin without meaning to or realizing it. They were close in the drawing… they looked like a family.

Shaking his head, Castiel’s hands shook as he touched his Bible again.

He needed to study.

But all he could focus on was the fact Y/N was going to see the drawing and he hoped maybe she saw the same thing he did within it.


	7. Chapter 6

Winter was upon them, bringing the struggles of the cold season. Castiel had been in the community for a long time and knew his words of comfort and leadership were something the people fell upon in this rough period when food was harder to come by and the nights were long.

Luckily, the people still had Christmas to look forward to in this part of winter which eased burdens and encouraged cheer.

The cold weather pushed Y/N inside more often, much to Castiel’s pleasure. The more she was indoors, the more he could keep an eye on her and make sure vultures like Jonathan were not circling. Possibly more than that, watching her quilt quietly by the fire, content at his hearth, delighted him more than he would care to admit.

Dinners were shared with small conversation; there was so much Castiel wanted to say but he knew it was not appropriate. He could not in good conscience profess his adoration for her, no matter how much he had convinced himself that he was caring for her in the name of the Lord. He knew his own selfish, basic instincts of attraction to her were his own shameful secrets to keep.

Yet, it was difficult for him to not interpret shared smiles, prolonged eye contact, and small comments. He had convinced himself that it had all grown the longer she stayed with him.

Clutching a small parcel, Castiel searched for Y/N after not finding her in her room or in the living room.

He almost ran into her when he turned the corner towards the hall that connected his quarters to the church.

“Oh! Father!” she exclaimed and Castiel’s heart leapt at the way she placed her hand over her heart, chuckling in embarrassment. “I am so sorry. I did not hear you coming.”

Castiel shook his head, “No harm done. I was actually looking for you.”

“What for?” Castiel held out the parcel in his hand and she looked at it surprised before asking, “For me?”

“Yes,” Castiel confirmed. “If you have a moment, that is.”

She nodded and ran her hands over her dress, smoothing it. “Of course. Always for you, Father.”

Castiel could not stop the fluttering in his stomach at her words.

Y/N waited patiently, not reaching for the gift until it was offered. Castiel moved, holding it out and she took it from him gingerly. “Did it come in the post?”

“You could say that.”

“What does that mean?” Y/N asked, giving him a curious look as she tore at the paper.

“It was a delivery. I thought you would like it.”

The implication did not go missed by her and realization dawned on her face that was a gift from him.

“Oh,” she sputtered slightly before opening it completely and removing the tin jar from the paper. The lid came off with a small tug. “Oh…” She brought the parcel up closer to her face and gave a small sniff. A smile broke out across her face and she met his gaze. She looked lovely, happy in the moment. “It is rose tea.”

“It is,” Castiel confirmed.

“You must have traveled far, Father. I feel bad for accepting it,” she told him, lowering her eyes in apology.

No, he had not traveled far; he had given the coin and request when Nicholas had sent his son to a southern market where the winter chill was not as biting and roses could still be harvested. Where he had gotten the money, small amount of coin as it was… it would matter not. The Lord knew that it was in good faith and it would enrich one of his children’s lives. It was worth it to see the warm smile and gratitude on her face.

Reaching out, Castiel laid his hand on the side of hers, giving her the slightest nudge to bring her arms closer to her to accept it.

“If it makes you feel better, it was not I who went to the market for it. I merely requested it as a gift to give to you. If you feel the need to thank someone, please direct your praise to Nicholas’ son.”

Castiel’s hand lingered too long and he saw her brow crease ever so, the beginning twitch of a faltering smile on her lips. Castiel retracted his hand, clearing his throat. He had to draw attention away from that slip up.

“It really was no trouble at all,” he reaffirmed. “I will not be offended, Mrs. Eaton, if you share it. God looks fondly down upon your charitable and gratuitous nature, I am sure of it.”

Y/N placed the lid back on the tin and held it close to her breast. “It was thoughtful and kind of you to think of me, Father.”

“I hope it helps to warm you throughout the upcoming months.”

“It most certainly will.” She paused before venturing. “I would be happy to share a cup with you, Father.” She saw the slight raise of his eyebrows and mistook it for having crossed a boundary and quickly corrected herself, “At dinner tonight, perhaps? I am sure Clara would like to try it as well.”

No, he had not been misreading signs. He could not be if she had implied she wanted to share a cup with him alone.

“That would be satisfactory, Y/N,” Castiel heard himself say and he quickly said, “Lovely. I meant lovely. It would be nice to have something special at dinner.”

There were a few moments of suspended silence and she finally broke it with, “I should put this in my room and go back to the library. I am sure Clara’s class is done by now.”

“Of course,” Castiel responded, stepping out of her way. She broke under his gaze, a blush coming to her cheeks, he swore it, as she walked by.


	8. Chapter 7

Castiel walked into the church, finding it bursting at the seams with the townspeople. The pews had been moved to the sides of the room and extras moved out of the room to provide a communal space. The room was lit with a plethora of candles, the tree decorated with stringed cranberries and decorative ornaments. The mood was calming set by the lights but the scene…

The room was joyous, chattering and squeals of delight from the children who were playing games circled together on the floor.

Castiel always opened the church to Christmas Eve celebrations for the town, knowing how important it was for the community. And it was an easy place to gather to speak of their Savior, preparing for the service in the morning, building up their anticipation for their exaltation.

But that was for tomorrow. His exaltation was directed in a different direction.

His eyes followed her throughout the night, moving from one group to the next, chatting and socializing. Yet… she seemed disengaged, not fully present.

It was getting harder and harder for him to hold his thoughts at bay. He had found himself in prayer more and more, asking for forgiveness for his lustful thoughts. Yet, he always repeated the sin, dreaming of her, her touch, and above all, her love and adoration.

“Father, do you need anything?”

Castiel startled at the voice and Jack, who had come to his side without notice, immediately apologized, “I am sorry. I did not mean to frighten you.”

“I was just lost in thought.”

“Do you need anything?” Jack repeated.

Castiel’s eyes flitted to Y/N only a few feet away, before he answered, his gaze on Jack again, “Water. Please.”

Jack’s attention was drawn from Castiel and he smiled warmly, “While I’m going, would you like anything to drink Mrs. Eaton?”

Castiel turned his head to find Y/N close, holding a plate of food. She shook her head, “I can grab it myself. Thank you, Jack. But, this is for you, Father.” She held the plate out to him as Jack left to fetch the water for Castiel. “I saw you had not eaten anything yet. We do not want you to starve.”

So, she was watching him too. The thought warmed him.

He took the plate from her, his fingers brushing her hand and he saw her breath hitch at the touch. His mind raced, thinking of how much bolder they had become with stealing light touches.

She countered, “No. Thank you for always opening your doors to us, Father.”

There was something in her tone, her eyes. She was smiling but the smile did not reach her eyes.

Castiel nodded, “Always.”

She gave a small smile before turning on her heel and walking away from him. He watched her go, wishing he had asked her to stay and sit with him.

<> <> <>

The Christmas service was done, the townspeople having gone home.

Y/N had been off all evening and Castiel had not been able to inquire about her state without drawing attention. He was able to detect changes in her now that she lived in such close proximity and he felt simultaneously glad and uncomfortable with it.

He was sitting in his room, on the edge of his bed, head bent in prayer. Praying for whatever was bothering her to ease and bring her peace.

A small knock came at his door, interrupting his thoughts. His door was cracked, as he had left it, and he cleared his throat, “Come in” believing it was Jack.

His breath caught seeing Y/N in his doorway. She was only in her nightgown, her robe tied around her. It was improper at best.

Yet, he did not turn her away or avert his eyes. And instead stood, receiving her.

She looked sad now, the façade of happiness absent from earlier this evening.

“May I come in?”

Clearing his throat, Castiel nodded, suddenly aware that he was in his undershirt.

Y/N closed the door – which immediately drew Castiel’s attention – before moving further into the room, fidgeting her hands slightly.

“What is it?” Castiel questioned.

She threw herself into his arms and Castiel tensed, in that moment realizing how much he had let slide. Their private moments, their touches, their shared intimacy… she had grown comfortable with it.

It was his fault she felt comfortable enough to hug him and cuddle up close.

He had let her in.

She sobbed into his chest and he stood there, suspended for a few moments before lightly wrapping his arms around her.

“I miss Emmett so much!” she cried, her voice muffled. “Tonight just made it worse, Father.”

Of course. Christmas was always the worst for his flock when they had lost loved ones. He should have been cognizant of that, especially since it was the first Christmas since Emmett’s passing. Everything must hurt tenfold for her.

“I asked the Lord to help me… help me not think of him so much and enjoy myself. But, it was so difficult.”

Castiel’s hand was on the back of her neck, his whole body on the brink of trembling with a mixture of nervousness and desire.

His mouth was dry as he said, “God gave us memory to remember those we have loved and lost, Mrs. Eaton. Sadness is perfectly normal and healthy for you to work through your trauma. Perhaps this sadness is the Lord’s way of giving you relief. Tears are not always bad. And it is good of you to lean on Him through this hard time. ‘Casting all your anxieties on Him, because he cares for you’.”

Y/N cried more softly now, her breathing becoming calmer.

A shuddering breath left Y/N. Her voice was barely above a whisper, “I just wish it was easier. I have been so lonely. I just wish it was easier.”

“That is a common wish, Y/N,” Castiel returned quietly.

She wiped at her eyes and pulled away, sniffling. “That’s the second time you’ve done that.”

Castiel’s face screwed up in confusion. “I’m sorry. Done what?”

She exhaled, looking beautiful even in the midst of her tears. “Called me by my name.”

Swallowing sharply, Castiel realized his slip up. “I did not mean to offend you.”

“You didn’t.”

Something was happening and Castiel barely had time to react, his eyes falling to her lips.

She threw herself at him again but this time her lips met his in a passionate embrace.

Castiel was clumsy in his attempt, not knowing how to handle her. All he knew was that he wanted more.

She guided him, her hand clasping the back of his neck to hold him in place as she deepened their kiss.

Her robe slipped from her shoulders, leaving her in only her nightgown.

Accidentally, he pushed her back into his dresser, holding her there for a few moments as they continued to kiss. He felt her hands at his belt buckle and he did nothing to stop her.

When they half stumbled to his bed and he loomed over her, their breath short and raspy, Castiel had a moment of clarity, horror gripping him at the thought of the act he was about to commit. But only for a moment because his eyes locked with hers and all he saw was adoration in them; a desire to be with him.

A deep groan left Castiel’s throat as he entered her, feeling her tightness wrapped around him. How had he denied himself this pleasure for so long?

Her fingers dug into his back as he moved in and out of her, her knees hugging his hips.

Short gasps and quiet moans coupled with the creaking of his bed. In the back of his mind, he worried of someone hearing. But it was shrouded in his lustful haze, overcome with his desire. He had her, she had him.

It was over quicker than he believed it would last. They laid there panting. Castiel was alight with his release, every brush of her skin sending a small tremor through him.

Her vision seemed to clear and slowly, realization dawned on her face. She was red, shameful.

A choked sob left Y/N’s throat and she scrambled out from underneath him, blindly searching for her nightgown.

“Father… I…I…” she stammered, tears brimming her eyes as she threw her nightgown over her head and reached for her robe. Her hands were trembling and she could not seem to bear to look at him again.

She fled the room, leaving him. He felt cold without her touch and her skin against his. But stronger still, he felt a deep pang of guilt sitting heavy in his stomach.


	9. Chapter 8

Castiel had found it difficult to leave his room the next morning. He laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. Despite himself, tears pricked his eyes.

Hearing her soft moans, bare skin against the other’s, and her lips on his had felt right. He had loved holding her, sharing in the other’s passion.

His bliss had been ruined when whatever passion had possessed her had been squashed by the reutilization of the immoral action they had indulged in.

She was pious, she had been ashamed. He regretted seeing her leave and then blamed himself for putting her in that position. He should have refused to let her in when they were both inappropriately dressed.

But, she had kissed him first.

That had to count for something. He could not chalk it all up to her grief over her late husband. The feelings between them had been growing over the past months, so this was not a spur of the moment loss of control.

When he had finally drug himself from bed and reluctantly got dressed, he thought he should go apologize to her. It was early still, so she should still be in the church.

He found them leaving their quarters and he saw her quickly avert her eyes.

“Father, good morning.”

She would not even look at him.

Castiel’s throat was dry and he swallowed thickly before returning, “Good morning, Mrs. Eaton. Clara.”

“Morning!” Clara chirped at him, tying her bonnet around her chin.

They were readying to leave earlier than normal. Castiel pondered that she had probably done this to avoid seeing him. It hurt to consider it.

Y/N held out Clara’s coat. “Come, Clara. You need to get off to school.”

Clara nimbly slipped her arms into the sleeves, smiling brightly at Castiel. “We are learning additans today!”

“Addition,” Y/N corrected her.

Nodding, Clara affirmed, “Addition.”

“That’s wonderful,” Castiel enthused.

“And we will be late if you don’t get a move on,” Y/N stated as Clara buttoned up her jacket. She was growing more and more uncomfortable by the moment. She kept stealing darting glances at him.

“Is there anything I can ask of Jack to help you with today?” Castiel asked, trying to keep the desperation out of his voice.

Shaking her head, Y/N ushered Clara towards the door, as if she was trying to run away from him. “No, I do not believe so, Father. Nothing comes to mind.”

“May we speak later then?” Castiel asked, somewhat sharply and that stopped her in her tracks. She looked over her shoulder at him, a somewhat worried expression on her face.

She forced a nod and said, “Of course.”

And with that she was out the door. Castiel’s shoulders slumped.

<> <> <>

Y/N found him in his study, fully dressed this time and not as late in the night. The complete opposite of the situation that had happened last night. Good. It was probably for the best if it was not what she wanted, even if it pained him to accept this.

Castiel placed his quill in its stand, sitting up straight to greet her. “Mrs. Eaton.”

Something crossed her face and he could not put his finger on it.

“You requested a conversation, Father,” she spoke timidly.

“I did.”

A silence fell between them, neither of them knowing how to proceed. The fire in his fireplace crackled, a soft music that filled the space between them. The unease in the room was almost suffocating.

Before he could speak, she put forward, “I should move out. I have taken your hospitality for granted. I do not wish to impose us on you further.”

Castiel said nothing, opening his mouth and closing it again at loss for words. That was the last thing he expected her to say, or wanted for that matter. Y/N seemed hesitant, searching his face. Was she waiting for him to confirm it? Because he would not.

Or was she waiting for encouragement to stay?

“Should I move out?” she asked quietly.

His voice was barely above a whisper when he answered, “No.”

Y/N’s mouth fell open slightly and Castiel shook his head, saying more clearly, “No.”

He pushed his book aside to the far corner of his desk near his quill and ink, a nervous habit more than necessity. He was about to throw himself out to the wolves with what he was about to proclaim. She could ruin him if she did not feel the same way. It could all turn on him and he would lose everything he had.

Searching for the right words, Castiel began, “I… I am not sorry about what happened, Y/N.” She was silent, staring at him almost in awe. He was glad she had closed the door behind her. Nervously, he turned his gaze downward away from her. “I… I may be risking everything by telling you this, but it would be upsetting for you to leave. I would be most unhappy if you were gone. You have been a bright light ever since you came to the town and I was… enamored by you. It is sinful, exceptionally so, to covet another man’s wife. Particularly when I am who I am. It tore at me for so long. But… I accepted the Lord brought us together for a reason and I am willing to follow his lead, especially if it is with you.”

She was silent still, and he had rambled too much he feared. He should have admitted all of that more slowly. Or not at all. But it was too late now.

He forced himself to meet her eyes and rather than disgust, he saw astonishment on her face. Swallowing sharply, he ended, “What I am saying is, is the last thing I want is for you to leave.”

A hush fell upon the room again, both of them pondering where to move. Castiel grew anxious, unknowing of what was going through her mind.

When Y/N stepped towards him, he stiffened ever so slightly. She came to the desk, her hand coming to the chair before it.

“May I sit?” Castiel nodded and she took the seat. Her hands folded in her lap, clutching the other nervously. “You admit sin, Father, but say it is Godly. What we are feeling.”

There it was. Her admission of her tenderness towards him.

“I believe it. I believe perhaps He was preparing me for what was to befall you.” Her eyes softened, thinking of Emmett. “I needed to be open and willing to take you in, protect you both in shelter, your spiritual state, and emotionally. Be open to that display.”

A slight smile tugged at the corners of her mouth, “Display. You have an odd way of discussing emotion, Father.”

Castiel answered honestly, “When I’ve taken vows and remained pious up until now, I have not had the opportunity to express this type of emotion. And for that I apologize.”

Y/N reached across the desk, offering him her hand. Castiel stared at it only for a few moments before laying his hand tenderly on top of hers. Her fingers curled around his palm and she said quietly, “Do not apologize. You have… relieved me. I believed I was damned. I felt guilty for tempting you, throwing myself at you. What kind of godly woman does such things? You have granted me some peace of mind, Father.”

“Castiel.”

It took her a moment before she said, “Castiel.”

He loved the way she said his name. He smiled, his thumb gently caressing her hand. She exhaled softly, her eyes following the motion.

“I won’t leave then,” she whispered.

Castiel felt his chest constricting, the all too familiar feeling of the night prior battering him again.

It happened in a flash, they met coming around his desk. His hands grasped her face, their kisses quick and desperate. Hands fumbled, working on ribbons, buttons, and clasps. She gave a long, relieved exhale when he removed her corset, exposing her to him.

“Are you sure?” she asked breathlessly when he picked her up by her hips and placed her on his desk.

“Here is perfect,” he responded, pressing up in between her legs.

She kissed along his jawline, breathing into his skin, “Love me.”

It was all the permission he needed to dive in deep, meet her in the depths of their passion and hopefully never resurface from it.


	10. Chapter 9

It was happening again.

Jonathan had waited a measly two months before circling around Y/N again.

This time, it was different though. They belonged to each other – in secret – and she was doing well brushing off his advances with simple politeness, much to Jonathan’s disappointment Castiel could see clearly on his face. Regardless, Jonathan was not one to be dismayed easily.

Clara trailed behind them as they walked in the crisp March air, making small talk as they moved away from the church. Castiel felt a sudden urge of protectiveness for the small child, wishing to remove her from the scene. He did not like seeing the three of them together.

Y/N’s petticoat swayed with the wind, and sinfully, his mind wandered to their midnight trysts. Her petticoat a pile on the floor as he caressed her soft skin and buried himself in her.

He loved her. That was abundantly clear to him and it had been for a while. It had been such a relief to admit it to her that night. She loved him in return, and he was glad to see she was holding up in the face of what he should consider competition. She wanted him… she only had eyes for him.

God had given him a most precious gift and he would not squander her or take her for granted. He cherished seeing her look over her shoulder and give him a small smile of encouragement meant to set him at ease.

She was lovely. His and his alone.

<> <> <>

“I need a blessing.”

She was speaking quietly so her voice did not echo around the sanctuary. It was midday, her having left the ladies group shortly before. He had been surprised to see her because they typically had tea afterward. It was not like her to miss it.

Castiel cocked his head, from behind his stand. “What?”

She swallowed thickly and repeated more quietly, “I need a blessing.”

There were tears brimming her eyes.

“For?”

Worry was beginning to blossom in his chest at her demeanor.

“I…”

He stepped out from behind the stand, closing his Bible. He came to her. “It’s alright, Y/N. What is it?”

“I may need to… lie in.”

Realization dawned on Castiel and he exhaled shakily, a million different scenarios running through his mind about how this could end.

“Are… you are sure?”

Her face was shaky when she admitted, “It’s been three months.” Castiel said nothing and she went head in on a ramble. “If I remove myself from the public, who knows what they will assume. But being pregnant… especially with Jonathan hovering around like he has been…” Tears fell now, shaking her head. “I do not know what to do. People will talk. He may be accused… I do not know what to do.”

“I do not either.”

She looked at him dismayed and he felt shame for not having the answer for her.

“I need to leave.”

“No!” Castiel’s voice was sharp and she startled. He lowered his voice and said, “No. That is not going to happen.”

“But, Castiel. I will give birth –”

“I know,” he interjected, and she continued still.

“Everyone will know that the child is out of wedlock. My reputation will be tarnished. Simultaneously, I will ruin Clara’s chances of marrying if I stay with that held above our family’s head. She will not stand a chance; she will be bullied. And I simply cannot oust you. It will ruin you.”

Castiel shook his head angrily. “So, you mean to only damn yourself? No, I will not have that.”

“But, you have so much here,” Y/N protested sharply. “You have a community that you need to attend to. They require your Godly grace and guidance.”

“It does not matter.”

Her shoulders slumped and she looked up at him astonished. “How can you say that? You are their beacon.”

Castiel swallowed sharply before asking softly, “Am I not yours?”

She stilled and stared at him stricken for a moment. After what seemed like forever, she told him, “Well… of course you are, Castiel. I do not know where I would be without you.”

He settled a bit at that.

He grasped her hands, pulling her closer, staring deep into her eyes. “We have both been a part of this, Y/N. You will not share the burden alone. I would not fathom it. I could not stomach it. Both the burden on you and losing you. What kind of shepherd – nay, what kind of man would I be if I allowed that to happen?”

Y/N turned her eyes downward and whispered, “I should not be your burden.”

Grasping her hands tighter, he forced her to look at him. “You are the farthest thing from a burden. You are a blessing. You have improved my life in so many ways, Y/N.”

She let out a choked sob and Castiel pulled her close again, kissing her forehead gently, not caring if someone may walk in and see. He held her close for a few moments, letting her get control of herself again.

Pulling away, he stated quietly, “We have months before you start really showing.”

“Months will go by quickly.”

Castiel countered, “I will act quickly.”

“How?”

“I need to think. Give me the night and perhaps tomorrow’s. But I will figure this out,” Castiel vowed.

Y/N touched the side of his face, caressing his cheek, staring deep into his eyes. Her voice was quiet when she said, “I do not know what I did to deserve your love.”

“Your very existence was a meaning for me to continue on, Y/N. You being with me is what helps me. I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe. It is God’s command I protect you.”

Her lips met his before he knew it, tears freely falling down her face once more.

Pulling away, she rested her forehead on his, holding the back of his neck.

“I truly love you,” she whispered.

“I love you,” he breathed back.


	11. Chapter 10

They had to leave. That was the only answer that made sense to him. If they stayed, she was doomed to ridicule, perhaps social exile with some of the more extreme of his flock.

His flock.

He would be the one they looked to on how to deal with the matter. Would there be an investigation to figure out who fathered the child? Would the congregation demand he bar her from the church? All the while, they would be ignorant of their relationship if that were to happen. The morality of the situation would surely fall at his feet, even more so that she was in his care. How would he answer that he had no idea she had been laying with someone under his roof or seen her come and go suspiciously?

There was absolutely no way he would be willing or able to inflict any shame or harm on Y/N.  
And that only added to the problem.

Lord, what do I do other than leave?

Castiel rubbed his face, sighing heavily.

How would he leave in good faith? Who would take his place?

Stealing away in the night would guarantee rumors.

If they left together, under the guise of her being invited to move by generous family far away and he was switching parishes…

But then Jonathan may request she stay.

Castiel scowled at the thought.

Perhaps he would throw a spur of the moment proposal upon her. Turning him down would look foolish to the people in town, given his wealth and he was not a homely man. Rumors once again, or worse. Especially since she would no doubt be growing by the time they started planning the wedding.

Or he would insist on helping her move, just to see where she was going… Castiel would have to say it was far. Too far for Jonathan to even consider.

Castiel was getting lost in his head, thinking of all the ways that Jonathan could ruin this. He needed to focus.

He could find a place for her to go and send her first. Then he would follow.

But, the question remained: who would take his place and be with the people? Especially Jack. The boy looked up to him and confided in him so. Castiel had had every intention of keeping the boy underneath his wing and helping him along his spiritual path to become a leader in his own right. But that would have to be ruined now and the guilt was already eating at him.

He had not only caused him and Y/N a problem, now Jack was going to be affected as well.

Castiel buried his face in his hands, feeling the pressure of this decision weighing even further down on him.

A thought came to him then. Something he had not considered before about leaving and traveling far away.

It could be so easy if he was able to get into Justice Daniel George’s office. It was the middle of the night, there was no way he would be in there. And he had a stockpile of blank documents – marriage, death, property – in there. All Castiel would need was one of the marriage ones and Daniel’s seal.

And it was fortuitous that he had a key to the office which he thought he would never need.

<> <> <>

Castiel peered in the window, seeing only darkness reflected back. It would be a surprised indeed if Daniel was in his office at this time of night but he had to be cautious all the same. He knew that Daniel kept the seal on his desk but without light, he would need to navigate the room with care.

He came around the back of the building and his eyes swept the alleyway before he pulled the key out. He opened the back door quietly and closed it as quietly behind him. The only light in the room was coming from the moonlight through the windows and he waited a few moments for his eyes to adjust before moving into the room.

The first goal was to get the candle lit and move quickly to close the drapes on the window. He chose the front window first, placing the candle on the table nearby. He drew the drapes and cursed under his breath at how much darker it made the room. The match was bright and he got the candle lit before moving to the other window and covering it as well.

His eyes fell on the desk and he moved quickly to get the wax ready.

<> <> <>

“Leave? Where?”

He had completed the document and let it dry. He had locked his office, which he rarely did, so no one, especially Jack, would stumble upon it.

Midday, when Y/N came to bring him lunch, he pulled her into his office and closed the door behind her. He told her of the basis of his plan before she had naturally had doubts and questions.

“Taldir.”

Y/N’s eyes widened, and she said, “That is so far.”

“Which is exactly why it is perfect. No one will know you, no one will know me. Who is to say that we are not married?”

She looked at loss for words before stammering, “W-we have no document.”

Castiel met her eyes and sighed a little before turning back to his desk. He produced the roll of parchment before holding it out to her.

Y/N took it gingerly, narrowing her eyes slightly at him. She unfurled it, her eyes running over the text. She looked shocked when she realized what it was and demanded, “How did you get this?”

“I have access to Justice George’s office,” Castiel admitted and Y/N’s mouth fell open. “He leaves his seal in a pretty obvious place. Plus, it’s not like I had to go far for the church’s seal. The ink just needed to dry.”

She was quiet, her eyes having gone back to the document. Castiel grew fidgety the longer the silence lasted.

“What about everything you have here?” She inquired, handing him back the document which he placed on his desk. “How will you explain that away?”

“Deacon Smith is ready. I can say I have been summoned by a past parish member that I feel I am in debt to.”

“Have you spoken to Deacon Smith?”

Castiel admitted, “Not yet. But I will. If I go missing, then they will have no reason to look too far.”

“How do you mean ‘go missing’?”

“You will wait for me in the next town at a hotel. I have a friend who owns it. I… trust them with my life. I plan to fake my death. I will leave blood on rocks near a cliff, take the valuables from the horse but leave the satchels. And then send it back down the path here. They will find the horse without me, see the missing items, and assume I had been robbed and injured. They will search no doubt the woods and the closest town. But we will be far gone by then.”

Y/N was staring at him. “That…” Castiel worried what she was going to say by the expression on her face. She finally exhaled softly and said, “You put thought into this.”

Relief rushed through him at her praise and he came closer, grasping her hand. “Of course. This needs to work if you are to be safe.”

She gave him a soft smile and raised her hand, touching the side of his face. “I am sure there are still kinks in the plan to work out. But, I am grateful you have done so much of the planning, Castiel. It gives me hope.”


	12. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!! FINAL PART !!!

Castiel stopped walking down the hallway towards the entrance hall to the church when he heard Jonathan’s voice.

“You’re leaving?”

“South. Yes.”

Y/N. Castiel straightened. He had mentioned at this morning’s mass that Y/N and Clara were to be leaving and he had had the congregation pray for their safe travels and spiritual journey. Y/N had played it off well, taking the mentions of sorrow that she would be leaving and praise for the charitable work she had done while living here. Clara was quiet; Y/N had spoken to her, feeding her the same lie that Castiel had told to the church. They could not risk Clara revealing the plan, bless her innocence and not knowing the consequences if she did. Y/N had not wanted to lie to her, but she knew it was for the best. For the three of them. She would have another talk with her when they were gone from this place and Castiel came to join them.

“But to where?” He was having trouble keeping his curiosity and desperation in check. Castiel almost felt bad for the man. Almost.

“With family,” Y/N recited the rehearsed lie. “I wrote them and told them I needed help. Thank the Lord above that they were sympathetic to our plight.”

There were a few moments of silence and Castiel waited for the inevitable plunge.

“You could stay here.”

Y/N’s timing was perfect. A few moments for sympathy, not too quick to shut him down. “I cannot.”

“Mrs. Eaton, I… I feel I have dragged my feet for far too long.” Castiel closed his eyes, hoping Y/N would not let the uncomfortableness she was no doubt feeling get the better of her. “I was trying to give you space and let you grieve. Properly. It is what I had when my wife passed, and I felt it in ill taste to try to impose my… feeling upon you without proper time.”

The man was not holding anything back.

“I have admired you. Your perseverance, your strength. You would be a wonderful addition to my life, Mrs. Eaton.”

Castiel resisted the urge to step out around the corner and interrupt the conversation. Y/N needed to handle this on her own.

He could hear her stammer a bit before saying, “I am not sure what to say.”

“Tell me you feel the same.”

“I…”

Castiel’s fist clenched at her hesitance. Come on, Y/N. She could not give him any more hope or drag it out any longer. It needed to end here.

“I cannot.”

Castiel relaxed, his fist unclenching.

“I have to do what is best for Clara. And myself. I cannot bear to be here anymore. I thought it would be alright after awhile… being where Emmett died. But, it has not improved. I see him everywhere. And… I have not moved on. I am not certain I ever will.”

There were a few tense moments of silence before Jonathan said stiffly, “I could do so much for you, Y/N. If only you would open your heart.”

“You cannot ask that of me. It is not fair.”

Castiel shifted ever so slightly, hearing the firmness in her voice. His heart swelled at her ability to take her stance.

She continued, “It is not that I do not appreciate the offer but I cannot give my attention or heart to anyone else now. Or perhaps ever. The wound is too deep and removing myself from this town and the people within it are what is best for me and Clara.”

“If that is what you wish. I just wish you had been more candid before this.”

Again, Castiel’s fist clenched at Jonathan’s implication that Y/N had led him on in any way. He had sought her and followed her. She was not responsible for his emotions and had every right to reject him if she was not interested. How he wished to set Jonathan in his place.

Y/N answered, “It is what I wish.” She did not rise to his bait.

“Mrs. Eaton.” A farewell before he heard movement and footsteps going down the hall towards the front door.

Castiel waited a few moments before turning the corner and finding Y/N staring down the entrance hall to the open front door. He took some steps towards her and the sound drew her attention quickly, looking over her shoulder startled. She relaxed when she saw it was him and almost instantaneously she asked, “How much did you hear?”

“Everything.”

Y/N shook her head, “What an ass.” She realized she had sworn within the church and covered her mouth. “My apologies, I did not mean…”

Castiel cracked a smirk and responded, “I feel the Lord would forgive that slip up in light of the borderline ungentlemanly like behavior displayed here a minute ago.”

Y/N took a step towards him and said quietly, “I never did anything to… insinuate anything with him.”

“I know,” Castiel nodded. “I know, Y/N. You do not need to convince me of your devotion.”

<> <> <>

“This is where we live now, mama?” Clara asked, stepping into the living room further. Her eyes searched the walls before landing on Y/N.

They had arrived at the hotel, Y/N and Clara making sure to keep their faces hidden well enough but not enough to draw suspicion from the workers or patrons. The only person Y/N had made direct eye contact with was with Castiel’s friend the barkeep, Daniel.

Y/N shook her head and said, “No, darling. We are just staying here for a couple nights before we move on.”

Clara’s brow furrowed, “Where is our family?”

“We will see them soon, love.” Y/N let go of her hand to put their suitcase on the bed.

“But I thought we were going to them.”

“We will. But we need to wait here for a couple days.”

“Why?” Clara asked exasperated.

Castiel’s eyes trained on Y/N and she met his gaze. Castiel cleared his throat and said, “I need to get some things set in order back at the church. I am going to go with you on your journey, but I need a couple days.”

“Are you staying with us?”

Castiel’s heart almost melted at the hope in Clara’s voice.

“For a while.”

Clara looked pleased with this and climbed up on the bed. “Good. We will be safer.”

It took everything in Castiel to remove himself from that room and return back to their town. All he wanted was to move on now but he knew he had to play out the plan they had made for this to be permanent.

<> <> <>

Castiel walked up to the cabin, exhausted from his trip. After he had set the horse off back towards home, he had trekked the last couple of miles to retrieve the horse his friend had left for him. He had been more than thankful to find it there, ready to hang the bags he had dragged with him to it.

The ride had been tiresome – very much less so without the horse, but tiresome all the same. He was stiff and ready for rest. He had taken the bags off the horse and were carrying them up to the cabin with the last bit of strength he was ready to use.

The cabin needed work to restore it, a lot of work. But, he would do that over time. It was the perfect place for them to stay.

At the door, Castiel almost went to open it but hesitated. He did not want to startle Y/N.

Instead, he knocked.

There were a few moments of silence before the door opened slightly. He met her eyes and she immediately swung the door open, relief and happiness in her features. Her arms flung around him, pulling him close. Castiel grunted slightly with the added weight on top of the bags and she recoiled.

“I am sorry,” she apologized before reaching for one of the bags.

Castiel shook his head, “Do not be” before pushing past her into the cabin. He dropped the bags on the living room floor, feeling relief from the weight.

He turned to her then and took her in his arms, holding her tight. She buried her face into his chest, her fingers digging into his back. Castiel kissed the side of her head, the smell of her further relaxing him. He never wanted to let her go again. It had been an agonizing week, hoping she had made it to the cabin with the help of Daniel. He had received confirmation from Daniel on the satchel of the horse that had been left but still, worry had eaten at him the entire way. He worried they could have been attacked by actual robbers as repayment for his sin of lying. But here she was… safe and sound. As if the Lord had known they both needed this. A family.

“I never wish to leave you again,” Castiel whispered in her ear and she held him tighter.

“Father?”

Clara’s voice startled him from the embrace, and he pulled away, trying to hide their intimacy but he knew it was futile.

She was looking at them from her bedroom, timid.

“Yes?” Castiel asked.

Clara came out of the bedroom, one of her dolls clutched tightly. She closed the distance, until she was a foot away from him, pulling her doll closer.

“Mama told me about my baby brother or sister.”

Castiel shot a quick glance at Y/N. He had not expected her to divulge that much. But… it was going to come out at some point.

“Am I going to have to share my toys?” Clara asked, surprising him. “I know that’s what God would tell me to do but… I don’t want to share my dolls.”

Y/N almost laughed, turning her face away.

Castiel exhaled, trying to hold back his own smile. He closed the distance between them and crouched down in front of her. He brushed a piece of hair out of her face and told her, “If you do not wish to, you will not be forced to. But, yes, sharing is a good thing.”

Clara bit her bottom lip, contemplating before asking, “Can I think about it?”

With a nod, Castiel told her, “Yes. You will have time to think about it.”

<> <> <>

With a grunt, Castiel swung and the axe went straight through the wood, hitting the base and cracking open. The axe fell to his side and he leaned it up against the stump. Pulling the hem of his shirt up, he wiped at his brow.

It was nearing sundown and he needed to move the wood he had chopped to their woodpile within the shed. Winter, thankfully, had not been too harsh but he cut more and more wood every day to try to stay ahead of the bitter, cold nights ahead.

As he laid the final pieces on the pile, a sharp cry from the cabin drew his attention. He moved out of the shed, closing and latching the door. The snow crunched beneath his feet, his eyes on the smoke coming from the chimney. He had done a lot of remodeling throughout the spring and summer. Christmas had been a lively affair, enjoying the new furniture and toys. During their visit to town, he had visited the town hall, inquiring about enrolling Clara in her first classes. He knew Y/N was nervous about sending her off to school without being as close as before, but they both knew it needed to be done. For Clara’s social sake.

Winter would be done soon, hopefully, and move into spring. Clara wished for picnics and tea parties with her little sister. Castiel looked forward to helping facilitate that.

He pushed the door open, the cold air rushing into the cabin. He closed the door quickly, brushing at his coat. Another wail pierced the air as he shook the coat from his body, keeping the snow on it as close to the door as possible without dragging it into the cabin. He hung it up and kicked his boots off.

Turning towards the room, he saw Clara sitting at the table, waiting patiently for dinner. He smiled at her and she smiled back at him.

Y/N was cradling Claire, the soup in the pan above the fire boiling.

Castiel came closer, “Here. Let me take her.” He snatched a blanket on his way towards her.

Y/N looked thankful, holding their bundled little girl out to him. Castiel wrapped the blanket around his shoulders, and he took her gently, pulling her close to his chest. He wrapped the extra blanket around the both of them, bouncing her ever so.

He looked down into her eyes, smiling as her face scrunched in distress. She let out a cry and he held her even closer, shushing her.

“It’s alright…” he whispered. He kept repeating himself as Y/N tended to the soup.

“You can always calm her down,” Clara piped up, playing with her spoon. She kept eyeing the bread next to her spot at the table that Y/N had freshly cut but kept her hands off of it.

Castiel smiled softly at her and she returned the smile.

He met Y/N’s eyes as she served up the soup for dinner.

“Come,” she beckoned him. “I’m sure she’ll be content in your arms. You need to eat. Warm up.”

Coming to the table, Castiel sat down, holding Claire close. Y/N placed a bowl in front of him and at their spots as well. She took her spot next to him and used his spoon to get him a bite. She blew on it, cooling it down before holding it out to him.

“Do you mean to spoon feed me this entire meal?” He asked, a teasing smile on his face.

“As long as you keep her calm, yes,” Y/N responded, mirroring his look.

Castiel accepted the spoonful, savoring the taste.

“Thank you,” he told her.

Sincerely, she told him softly, “No… thank you.”

Castiel’s eyes crinkled before he turned his gaze back down towards his daughter, feeling more blessed than he could imagine.


End file.
